A dear, close friend of mine told me today that she is in no doubt that when it comes to the crunch, I will call a spade a spade and not a shovel, if I find myself in a sticky situation. My friends tell me that I am forthright, sometimes opinionated - I try not to be, but I really detest being told how to think when I have my very own brain sitting right here in my skull, just waiting for me to use it - bossy (something I hate being called, and yet something I can see in me, unfortunately. I'd really love to NOT be bossy), that kind of stuff.
I think perhaps that I am a human of the "foot stuck firmly down the throat to the kneecaps" family. I know that I have always been able to say exactly what I am thinking before I mean to. Take, for example, a guy I went out with in high school. Poor guy. I went out with him for a month, only because he wouldn't leave me be - kept spouting what he thought was romantic poetry, ala Shakespeare, during maths lessons, to the point where our maths teacher TOLD me to just get it over with and go out with the poor guy so we could learn about Archimedes and interesting things like geometry, trig, algebra, rather than listen to this guy's professions of undying love. Anyway, a month goes by, and he comes up to me outside one of our classes, and says "so, do you still love me?". I had never had feelings for the guy to begin with, and not thinking, (ie brain not in gear), I come out with "I never loved you to begin with". I swear you could hear a pin drop down the school corridor after I said that. The minute I said it I realised what a total dweeb I'd been, and mentally kicked myself for letting my mouth run off by itself and not take my brain along with it. My parents and sister tell me they love how cutting I can be. To me it's a "oh crap. NOT again. Why oh why can't I just remember to engage brain BEFORE opening mouth????"
I do, however, call a spade a spade, and not a shovel. I am honest to a fault, and if I am not comfortable with something, or I don't like someone, I WILL tell them. I won't go out of my way to hurt someone's feelings, in fact I will do my best NOT to hurt their feelings, but I can't and don't want to change the fact that I stand up for myself, and don't like to be walked all over.
I was told recently, also, that I am shallow. Yes and no. I think we are all shallow to a degree. It was made painfully aware to me by this person who told me I am shallow that he was right in what he said. It hurt to admit that to myself, but he was right. And I learned a valuable lesson from him because of that. I've accused people of being shallow for the exact same reasons as this gentleman (and he was that for sure, for holding a mirror up to me for me to see those faults, in the nicest manner he could) accused me of being shallow, but never realised that I am the same. For that, I am sorry. You know who you are.
It is something I need to address within myself, I think. Everybody changes, even though we also stay the same, if that makes any sense at all. In our core I think we are the same from birth, but the extremities? The stuff the world sees? (and I don't mean arms and legs here) I think this is the stuff that changes over time. We are what we make of ourselves. If we want to be shallow, lazy, pathetic, then we will be just that. If we don't like those "qualities", if we REALLY seriously don't like them, then I think it is within our abilities to change them for the betterment of our own wellbeing. Just as if you choose to stop smoking or drinking. It is a conscious decision, and something you choose to change. And so in that way, people change over time, but who we are inside? How we were raised? I don't think that changes that much.
Anyway, it's cold today, so I'm off to find a warm step and a lovely puppy dog to share a cup of coffee with.
I think perhaps that I am a human of the "foot stuck firmly down the throat to the kneecaps" family. I know that I have always been able to say exactly what I am thinking before I mean to. Take, for example, a guy I went out with in high school. Poor guy. I went out with him for a month, only because he wouldn't leave me be - kept spouting what he thought was romantic poetry, ala Shakespeare, during maths lessons, to the point where our maths teacher TOLD me to just get it over with and go out with the poor guy so we could learn about Archimedes and interesting things like geometry, trig, algebra, rather than listen to this guy's professions of undying love. Anyway, a month goes by, and he comes up to me outside one of our classes, and says "so, do you still love me?". I had never had feelings for the guy to begin with, and not thinking, (ie brain not in gear), I come out with "I never loved you to begin with". I swear you could hear a pin drop down the school corridor after I said that. The minute I said it I realised what a total dweeb I'd been, and mentally kicked myself for letting my mouth run off by itself and not take my brain along with it. My parents and sister tell me they love how cutting I can be. To me it's a "oh crap. NOT again. Why oh why can't I just remember to engage brain BEFORE opening mouth????"
I do, however, call a spade a spade, and not a shovel. I am honest to a fault, and if I am not comfortable with something, or I don't like someone, I WILL tell them. I won't go out of my way to hurt someone's feelings, in fact I will do my best NOT to hurt their feelings, but I can't and don't want to change the fact that I stand up for myself, and don't like to be walked all over.
I was told recently, also, that I am shallow. Yes and no. I think we are all shallow to a degree. It was made painfully aware to me by this person who told me I am shallow that he was right in what he said. It hurt to admit that to myself, but he was right. And I learned a valuable lesson from him because of that. I've accused people of being shallow for the exact same reasons as this gentleman (and he was that for sure, for holding a mirror up to me for me to see those faults, in the nicest manner he could) accused me of being shallow, but never realised that I am the same. For that, I am sorry. You know who you are.
It is something I need to address within myself, I think. Everybody changes, even though we also stay the same, if that makes any sense at all. In our core I think we are the same from birth, but the extremities? The stuff the world sees? (and I don't mean arms and legs here) I think this is the stuff that changes over time. We are what we make of ourselves. If we want to be shallow, lazy, pathetic, then we will be just that. If we don't like those "qualities", if we REALLY seriously don't like them, then I think it is within our abilities to change them for the betterment of our own wellbeing. Just as if you choose to stop smoking or drinking. It is a conscious decision, and something you choose to change. And so in that way, people change over time, but who we are inside? How we were raised? I don't think that changes that much.
Anyway, it's cold today, so I'm off to find a warm step and a lovely puppy dog to share a cup of coffee with.
1 comment:
I don't think you are 'shallow'!
Post a Comment